A few years ago, I had a crush on a girl. What fascinated me most about her was that intelligent, caring look she had, or at least I thought she had.

We met at work. I was the chef, and she was the waitress.

When she arrived, she was already taken. I hit on her almost immediately and obviously, she made it clear to me that since she was taken, she couldn’t consider any.

First lie.

After a few days, I saw her flirting with my colleague who was younger than me.

I took it personally. I thought: racist.

If you haven’t guessed yet, I am of Italian origin, currently living in the UK.

How did we end up seeing each other outside our comfortable workplace?

Wait, I’ll be there in a second.

A year has passed.

After the first loosening of the lockdown due to Covid, restaurants partially reopened to the public, and we staff returned to our regular duties.

Things had already changed.

She, for example, had just experienced a break-up.

I mean, she was finally single.

So, I stepped in again. A year had passed, we had become good colleagues in the meantime, although we didn’t talk to each other much.

One day, I asked her if she would like to take a walk down to the beach.

She agreed.

Well, it happened.

Outside our enclosure of good employees, she was much sweeter, relaxed, and caring.

I would have liked to kiss her that day, before letting her leave on the bus, and she as well given generous hugs, let’s say.

In the evening we texted each other and in a way promised that we would do it again.

A few days later, I invited her out for a picnic on the beach. I had prepared some vegetarian sushi (she was vegetarian, I was vegan), bought some beers and was ready for action.

On the beach, we kissed. I got closer and did it.

Oh my God, it was great. I swear. One of the best kisses I’ve given in the UK. She said something like, “I was looking forward to it”.

So, we met up again and then, of course, we ended up in bed.

We had sex one afternoon, drunk and full of lust, and I have to say it was good for the first half and then bad for the second, as the third condom of the overall performance remained on her … inside.

Yes, oops.

After the awkward moment, we went to a pub and continued the beer marathon. We had a good time for that last hour and a half. We talked a lot, and she was back to being loving and kind (since she had gotten cold about what had happened in the bedroom).

The best part of our fiery afternoon of sex? She whispers to me: “Is there anything you like doing?”

I thought she was talking about hobbies, so instead of answering, I said: “I don’t know, do you?” 

She thinks about it for a few seconds. She is lying on top of me, naked. 

“I like spanking.” 

I don’t know every single word in English, but I know enough to speak and sound quite understandable. Confused, I asked her what it meant. 

“I like slaps on my bum.”

It went like that, no cap.

That was the best part. 

I turned her around and… come on, use a bit of imagination. 

A few weeks later, though, I found out that my landlady was in the house, complaining about the chaos we made.

So, it went well, at least, as I said, for the first half.

The next day she did the test to make sure she hadn’t gotten pregnant and in the end, it didn’t happen.

What did happen, however, was that she sent me a message two days later telling me that we absolutely had to meet to see where this improvised relationship was going.

I thought: that’s it, it’s over.

My friends, on the other hand, were of the opposite opinion.

I was right.

One day, after work, we take a walk, and she tells me that she is not ready for a relationship.

I told her that I had never mentioned a relationship, but she concluded that she wanted to be alone anyway.

Second lie. 

She was actually already dating two other guys.

Yes, my dears.

I must tell you the truth before I finish. I was also dating two other girls, but I stopped the dates after the kiss with my colleague. The reason: at that moment I thought that if she found out that I was seeing others, it would be hell to work together because she would get mad etc.

Ridiculous.

The truth was that she didn’t give a damn about me, she just wanted to sleep with an Italian boy.

I cried the day she left me. In the evening, I drank until I threw up, and I must thank my friends who were there with me supporting my little drama.

I wasn’t bitter because she left me, I knew it would end sooner or later, and I experienced it as a failure. Another failure in my life.

She was sweet and caring when we were together, but she avoided me at work, sometimes I had the impression that it bothered her to have me around.

If you are dating a colleague and you notice these signs, i.e. loving when you are alone and annoyed by your presence with others, this is a big red flag. Run away, she is a “psychopath“.

A couple of weeks later, I saw her flirting with one of our customers and then found out that they had already started a relationship in the last mile she had covered with me.

Her past relationship had left her with deep scars. She hid them from me with great care.

I was captivated by her intelligence, more than her common appearance. She spoke articulately and was very erudite. For me, this was a dream, as I too am something of a nerd.

However, as I discovered much later, she was being followed by a psychologist and was taking antidepressants.

A twenty-four-year-old girl on the verge of a constant nervous breakdown, who sought sex as a sort of antidote to pain, causing pain to the victims who fell into her web, as I was part of that long queue of admirers.

She was not (and is not) a psychopath. In a way, we all have this mental dysfunction, thoughts or actions that lead us voluntarily or involuntarily to hurt people. In our specific case, I think the psychopathic factor in her was due to dishonesty. Her behaviours towards me outside the work context, were very affectionate and seemingly sincere, so much so that I was confused when she showed the opposite. And the fact that I never mentioned wanting a serious relationship (in that specific moment, I mean), which then became her accusation against me, these clues or traits expose how complicated and dysfunctional the damage that pain does to our minds is, enough to turns us into vehicles of pain against others.

If a person is genuinely interested in you, she/he is constant and precise in their attitude towards you, whether it is just the two of you or with others.

I have learnt that dating colleagues can be a double-edged sword. If you have ended up in such a situation, God help you, put your heart aside for a while and stay relaxed, and alert, don’t fantasise too much, keep your feet on the ground because most likely the motive is purely about sex and mental health. Pay attention to discordant signals, such as the ones mentioned in my case. How they behave when you both are alone and how they behave when you are at work with others. Make things clear right away before you start, so you avoid spoiling things.

If you want my advice: fish somewhere else.

Although working together during and after our brief relationship was horrible, I still carry with me some good memories, while what I hold is a hard lesson I will not easily forget. When you open your heart to someone and they pretend to be interested in your world, you end up in pieces, believe me. If you have already ended up in such a situation, keep your distance and don’t get distracted by gossip. You can do better, others obviously can’t.