I had a friend in the UK at first. I didn’t know where to go, and life in Italy had become oppressive. I had dozens of job interviews, only to be discarded or supplanted by someone who, although not as experienced or as good as me, had managed to sell themself better. 

Tyson (from Mike Tyson, the only and unique Iron Mike) convinces me to leave for England, where he and his partner have lived for over a decade. 

I leave that I am 34 years old. 

It’s never too late to try again, I tell myself. 

But, yes, I am scared. 

My English is ragged, and my pronunciation is even worse. 

I leave on a month’s notice; leaving my mother and brother is hard. 

Tyson tells me it will be okay to take a month to find a job or try. 

After two weeks, I found a job as a dishwasher in a posh restaurant. I walk daily for an hour and a half to go and an hour and a half to return. I remember it rained a lot one day, and I assure you that an hour and a half into torrential rain is agonising. 

It is not a job for me. I do it because I must learn to speak English properly and earn money. 

New friendships, then, will lead me to work as an assistant chef and to the opportunity to run a coffee shop, which I currently co-own with another person. And all this has happened since 2018. 

And Krishna, how does he fit into all this?

Amid my love affairs and work, I continued to labour on my novels, copywriting (which I still study with CopyPosse and the American AWAI Association), and learning. 

Tyson introduced me to the Hare Krishna movement.

In 2019, after being accommodated for a few months, I lived in an Ashram in Bournemouth, an apartment where the International Krishna Consciousness Association promotes Sanga, Yoga sessions, and various meetings. 

In a year, besides continuing to recite the Hare Krishna Mahamantra, I read everything available on the subject, very often books from the ISKON association, from the Mahabharatha to the Srimad Bhagavatam (over 10 volumes containing Krishna’s deeds and philosophy). 

Krishna saved my life. YES!

It happened at the end of an evening when I was returning home at the crack of dawn, probably between 2018 and 2019. 

Let’s see how.

To write Echoes of Eurydice, I needed to understand the world of hallucinogens and, to some extent, drugs. So, for about three months, I used some of these substances (mushrooms in particular). 

The effect was mesmerising and stunning at first, and then, after a few hours, especially the next day, it produced low attention, moodiness and strange dreams (including while I slept a long ringing in my ears). I stopped this run reasonably early, as I was working a lot, and although it was fun, it gave me extreme fatigue during the day. Serotonin was dropping. 

The evening when Krishna saved my life was the turning point that prompted me to stop. It was not immediate, but it created a space. If, before that moment, I was going out three nights a week, after that, I let much more time go by until the complete dissolution. So, from about mid-2019 to now, I haven’t taken any more substances, partly because of that night with Krishna and mostly because I had already planned to quit since I had reached my goal of knowledge. The novel Echoes of Eurydice was already taking shape (titled initially The Mushroom Effect). 

I was depressed. Yes. A latent depression, which (like many, I think) is often alive inside, and we suppress it by telling lies to ourselves. We constantly lie to ourselves; we do it to stay afloat. It is as good a way as any to fight depression and not drown, but it cannot work for long. Depression does not go away easily. However, it can be managed.

Managing depression is the cure. 

My way of managing it was to tell myself that things would get better sooner or later, even when time passed, and they didn’t. 

Leaving at age 34 to live in a new country differs from going when you are 20. You are perplexed, scared, and at the mercy of events. You have to adapt, and you struggle to adapt. 

That night, the effect of the substance I had taken to keep dancing all night took me down to an unknown surface. I tried to sleep after I got home. I kept going in and out of dreams and thought there was an evil presence in my room. So, out of fear, I would wake up, and when I was awake, I had these thoughts, “I don’t want to live anymore. I am a failure. There is no reason to get up and keep living. Today, it’s over. Today, it’s enough. I can’t take it anymore.”

For the first time in my life, depression had won. 

I had convinced myself that as soon as I got out of bed, I would commit suicide. 

I was thinking about how to do it. Hot water. Something to slit my wrists. This seemed the easiest solution. 

Then, I went back to sleep for the last time—the last rest alive before the most absolute rest, which is forever. 

But I cannot sleep. 

Something comes in and out of my room, both touching and tormenting me. 

I am in a slumber where I cannot get up or fall completely asleep. This time, the presence is behind me. I feel it wants to hurt me. I see it with half-open eyes. 

Suddenly, I do the one thing that has been a sweet novelty and hope for some months: shout the Mahanmatra. I shout it at the top of my lungs, or so it seems. I scream so loudly because I hope Tyson and his fiancée hear me and come to help me. I am scared to death by the dark presence in my room. 

I shouted Hare Krishna with all the fear and desperation I possessed, believing I was doing it with my mouth! 

But my friends could not hear me. 

Krishna heard me, though. 

Something else entered the room and chased away the dark presence. 

The room became as if repainted with a different vibration. 

There was no longer fear. 

Nor the terror. 

Nor whatever was threatening me. 

It was as if the Hare Krishna had washed away all the fear, frustration, terror and helplessness. 

The way I felt the extinction of the dark presence is inexpressible. I can only tell you that a different form of energy washed it away. 

It was Krishna because it happened while I was shouting the Mantra, and I am sure that, believe it or not, it worked. 

Mantras have been proven to cleanse bad vibrations energetically, and they can even raise our level of consciousness. 

I have experienced that this Mantra is really formidable, although it is also challenging to handle in everyday life. 

How come?

Mahamatra not only cleanses but also opens paths in our minds and shows us the truth about this reality. 

Anyway…

…Months have passed.

I was depressed, and continuing to chant the Mantra did not help. I didn’t want to look outside anymore; after a couple of years, I realised it was time to look within… on the inside of me. 

I am fond of the figure of Krishna, and learning his story (or at least how it was transmitted to us) was and is an immense joy. I do believe there is something salvific about his figure and message. 

Even in my novels, I often reference the Krishna culture, perhaps mentioning Visnu or quoting the Mahamantra. It is my way of saying Thank You. 

Many of us need guidance or philosophy to deal with depression and not let that monster that eats us up inside win. It is an exhausting struggle; some do not win, some succumb, and I was about to end up the same way. 

Although still to this day, I have not been able to deal with depression fully, I can leverage, within myself, the emotions I get from thinking about the people I love (my mother, my brother, for example) and the goal I set for myself: to be remembered as one of the greatest writers of my epoch. 

For the rest, whatever your story is, if you are suffering, know that you have options. Don’t let the monster of depression devour you. Each of us can give something to this world. I do it through words and continued personal growth. You can do the same by finding your identity in your abilities and using it to help others. 

Tyson returned to Italy in 2019, and since then, without my best friend, it has been even harder to survive in a foreign nation. The memory of Krishna’s night created a watershed between the before and the after, and I did my best to pick myself up every time I fell. 

Life is challenging. Thankfully, it’s not raining bombs over the roof of my house, and I can every day do something to change the direction of my life if I think it’s not suitable for me. So, I started this blog to give myself, and you hope, too. We both need it.